Time

We had this Monday off for Columbus Day, and everyone was really excited for the long weekend. As it turned out, it was a long weekend for me... and I kind of want to get back into work. It's hard to describe why, but I'll try my best.

A lot of people left for the weekend, so the whole campus felt a little bit empty. Danny was gone so I had the room to myself. He was in Boston, and he ended up meeting Emily Gaeman.

Anyway, on Friday night, there was supposed to be a little gathering in Maura's room, but for some reason that didn't really end up happening. I kind of forget what I ended up doing for the earlier part of the night, but the the later part of the night, I remember I was watching baseball in Spencer's room with him and Maura. It was kind of tiring, I remember texting Gina a few times, and almost falling asleep a few times. I think after that people wandered around the second floor for a while, into Jaime's room (pronounced hi-may), and... nothing was really happening. So I decided to go back to my room, and I'm pretty sure that was around 11:30PM.

That was Friday, October 5th. My birthday is October 6th. And I was sitting there, thinking - what do I want to be doing as it becomes my birthday and I become 19? I want to be playing piano. I want to be playing Snow and Lights.

I'm not sure how many of you have heard or really listened to the song Snow and Lights, but it is - I think - the most personal and important [to me] song I've ever written. It talks about pretty much everything I've ever cared about in some form or another. The first stanza is an image of me sitting in my piano room at the big bay windows on our flower patterned couches, staring outside to snow falling through our spotlights and postlights. It's about life being easy and comfortable, and feeling at home, and warm, and safe. The second stanza is about all you kids - probably the ones reading this - and how much I cared about you. And still care about you. I think so highly of all of you and I would give the world to any of you and I know that you could give it right back to me but I'd prefer if you kept it. And it's just about the fear that, maybe someday, you'll drift out of my life and I won't even remember how much I cared for you. The third stanza is about that fear, too - how tragic it would be to sit back and realize that I had let you get away, and to know that that knowledge doesn't even help me. It just hurts.

And of course, the chorus. It's really all about time... wasting time. Perhaps the worst feeling I have ever known. Feeling like I should have done something, knowing I should have done something, but letting time go and go and go and never doing anything about it. Oh, it feels so terrible...

So that was the song I wanted to play. Birthdays make me think of wasted time more than anything else, and I thought that would be an appropriate song. So I was in my dorm room at 11:59 and I started playing and recording it on my keyboard. And then at 12:01... Andy knocked on my door. I know he couldn't have known - how could he have known? - that it was a horrible time [did I mention I was sweaty and had no shirt on?], but for some reason I was upset by it, still. I think it was just because this wasn't what I wanted. He returned my scotch tape and told me I was Awesome Resident of the Month [for letting him play in Alumnae Hall]. I finished the song after he left, recorded another version, and fell asleep without showering.

I woke up again on my birthday. I went to brunch and got some pancakes (eventually) and went back to check my mail. I found out that the mail room didn't open until 12, so I had to go back later. When I came back then, a card had been put in my mailbox from Kim, and I was happy to see it! I also got a package from mom and dad.

I think the most interesting part of this experience was my letter from Nana [mom's side].

I've never really been close with Nana, or any of my grandparents... it's not that we don't get along, or dislike each other... it's just that we were never close. I never understood what I could learn from her or how to relate from her. And for some reason, this year, I finally started to feel like I was missing out on that. And for the first time, I read her card - I mean, really read her card and thought about it - and for the first time... I think I understood what it was like to be a grandparent, almost. And what it was like to have a son, or daughter, or grandson or granddaughter, and to love them and care for them and be proud of them. And it made me sad that it took so long to learn this, and that it came at a time where every communication I got from her could be the last. This could be the last I ever hear from her. I just don't know.

That night I really wanted to go to Waterfires, so Nupur, Bridgette, and Andy Watkins [from PGSS, now at Harvard] came with me. Colleen, Bridgette's roommate at URI, also came. I suppose it was what I expected of Waterfire, and what I wanted it to be - but that is somewhat reflective and somewhat sad. Andy and I had a nice conversation about his parents and his family - I'm not sure how much I should say about it because it was somewhat in confidence, so I have to stop here. I also remember that I saw Bridgette crying on Nupur's shoulder and wondering why, and wishing there were something I could do about it. I gave her a hug when she left because I thought she might just want to know... I don't know. It's hard to say. I guess that I care about her and hope she feels better.

That night I slept in Chaz's room with Nupur and Andy. They both left at 8:50AM, and I went back to sleep. At 9AM, I realized my alarm was going off back in my room and I had to run across the Quad, retainers in hair undone shirt backwards, to turn off my alarm.

I had pancakes again that morning (eventually).

I remember I did some amount of work on Sunday, but not a whole lot. I didn't do much at night. I kind of forget most of Sunday. I remember that Gina and I talked a whole lot, though =)

Today I had brunch with the PGSS kids, +Andy and Jules's friend Maro but -Rima [who went home]. Liz put a huuuuge crossword puzzle on her wall - it has 25,000 clues.

Tonight, I had a nice long conversation with Maura. We both had kind of sad weekends... Mine just kind of felt empty. A friend of her's died. Hers was certainly sadder, but we could kind of relate to each other.

I realized later that I was largely homesick. I talked to Dad and told him that he and Mom should come visit me the weekend before parents weekend. I think I would really like it if they did that, and it might be expensive, but I really hope they come. I'd like to see them.

I felt a little better after that/during my Democracy Matters meeting.

I thought a lot about time this weekend. I came to the conclusion that time was the best gift anyone could have ever given to me. I just wish that I had more of it. But there's no way for that to happen... you're given it once and that's all you get. I think that's why birthday's make me sad.... they're a reminder of lost time. And I just wish birthdays wouldn't come and time would stand still and I didn't have to worry about it going away or going to waste ever.

This was the first birthday where I was really away from everyone and everything that was really important to me. And I guess also the first one where I realized that I should have spent all my birthdays appreciating those things a little bit more. Or every day.

Peace out.