The First 1000 Words

The time at Kevin D’s pool party when I pushed the lifeguard into the pool, he was the best swimmer in the high school, he might have been in the Olympics, I think kids played Spin the Bottle in the woods that day but this was middle school and I was definitely not okay with that game with those kids; I still call both of them kitten; we were talking about the alarm in our house and my dad said “it’s only for people. if someone breaks in and takes all the TVs, you know, that means nothing to me” ; I don’t know if I’ve ever cared so intensely about anything as I did the nights I wrote you that letter, and I wonder sometimes if I ever will again or if I ever could again, if it’s even possible for me to care in that way anymore, or for someone else, or maybe I’ve just ruined it, or maybe I’m too old; watching last night’s episode of The Daily Show at work, Brett came over to join me one day and we watched it together, we never did that again but I wish we had; I’m surprised that Matt liked all those stories as much as he did, I hope I can figure out a way to order The Moth, I don’t want to let him down; getting a text from Glenn - can you play tonight at 8? Love to! What time and color jersey? 8, white should do – and playing two games, planning on leaving at 9 and getting caught in conversation until eleven; kneeling down to be eye-to-eye with you, hugged you, I wanted to kiss you so badly right then and I can’t place exactly why but I was more alive for it

Sneaking to Kristin’s back porch on graduation night at 11pm, I think it was the first time I hugged her, her parents thought it was weird but it was definitely worth it; the first time we had circle time I had thought about saying “by the end of this year, everyone here will love everyone else here,” I didn’t say it because I thought it was too much, but it was almost true, I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of anyone or anything in my life; her mom went upstairs, or outside, I forget which – “is your mom outside?” “no, she’s upstairs” [leaning over] “…may I help you?” “can I kiss you?” “Oh. …sure,” I’m sorry that I handled everything so poorly beginning with that exchange right there; the science of choice: keep asking questions, keep learning, keep being the best self I have ever been, or go to sleep because I have drumline tomorrow, fuck the law of declining marginal benefits, damnit; a broken neck would be an improvement to the condition I would find myself in if I ever did break your heart

Sneaking into the neighbor’s pool around 11th grade with Beth, I should have kissed her then; Bill Maher on the weekend, I can’t remember what nights it was on anymore, just we watched it together and she would always hold me, not the other way around; The Half-Hour News Hour, who the hell thought that was a good idea, well us, because it was another excuse, and it was on a Sunday; Perfect Timing by Orba Squara; the times when your parents didn’t think we were going out, your dad called me your fifth son (did that mean you were his fourth son?), god, he used to like me, what the hell went wrong; walking barefoot, going to all the stores barefoot, one time I went for a walk all the way around Fox Hill Farms with Kristin with no shoes on, I thought I could take it but the stones were pretty painful actually; the time my Aunt Jenn used the word sauce as the answer to every topic in Scattergories, and the time I used ham in every answer this year at the beach; running into the water in May when it’s freezing cold; talking until 3:00 in the morning except that the clock is 20 minutes fast and telling the kid at the gas station that I’m the guy from Fallout Boy; the night we had the bonfire, just the two of us, and Jack came to see us; I can’t believe that you were the one that took my hand, god, so wonderful

Everything in the world about Mr. Kerrigan – the bottles of Coke, the terrible puns and jokes, homework is homefun, the way he handled us all, the Brown kid, and we learned so damn much; XKCD; on the dock with Meg: “do you want to jump in? in our underwear. Right now.” You said we could do it later and we never got to it, and no, I’m not upset at all, but next time let’s jump in; For Good from the Wicked soundtrack; wordplay; I saw the movie Wordplay in theaters twice, both times in Pittsburgh, Jon Stewart was in it; I didn’t think I would like Libby S at first but it turns out she’s pretty awesome, and I was thankful for the surprise; Jenna’s kissy faces, the time she pretended to be a dog with her head out the window in the passenger seat of my car, and I was afraid she’d get me a ticket; the days when I wasn’t afraid of speeding tickets; my mom didn’t want me to leave for the summer because she wanted to watch The Daily Show with me at night, but said it wouldn’t be right to keep me here; my cats always climb in boxes and that’s adorable; my sister used to sit outside my dad’s door at night and listen for him breathing to make sure she was alive because she was constantly terrified that anything might go wrong with him; Mr. Longo knew even before I did, I guess he figured out from the handwriting

Peace out.