Intentional

I was playing piano in the lounge today around dinner time, maybe 5:30 or so, and some people were watching a sports game in the TV part of the room behind half-closed doors and making a ton of noise screaming and celebrating or crying or whatever. One of their group kept going in and out of the room, and she would sit on the couch behind me and study when she didn't want to watch.

At one point I finished playing "You to Thank" by Ben Folds and paused for a second to consider what song I wanted to play next ("Golden," I think). Right when I was done, she said, "Could you be a little quieter? You're really loud." So I turned around and said, "Oh yeah, sure, I'll just move the piano downstairs actually." She asked, "Uh, what?" And I said, "Don't worry about," turned around, and went back to playing as if she had never been there at all.

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I caused someone physical pain sort-of on purpose for what I think is the first time in my life Friday night. I was going to see Capitalism: A Love Story with Dana at 7:30. I was getting ready in my room beforehand, and I had my new song playing back from the recording feature on my keyboard. My door was open but it wasn't too loud. Down the hall, a kid named Drew was making fun of it, pretending to sing a whiny "emo" melody over it.

I don't get upset, but he was being a douchebag. To be honest, I did thinking about doing something that would hurt him physically, but I didn't think I would do it. I thought instead I would walk into his room on the way out and ask him if he was making fun of the things other people make because he's not creative enough to make things on his own.

Dana came down and we started to head out. I locked my door and walked towards the exit, which brings me past Drew's room. He was making the stupid sounds again that he had been earlier, and he was opening his door. I figured I would give it a good kick just to make a loud noise and startle him, and that'd be good enough, so I kicked it with a moderate amount of force. Right away I saw his face pull back and he grunted out an "Ough!" and fell back into his room, closing the door somehow on the way. Dana was behind me, and I turned around, and she gave me a funny look as if to say, "Whoa. Did you - Jeff - actually just do that?"

I just kept walking.

I didn't feel good about it. I know that I had thought about hurting him (and other people) before, and that felt nice, but it turns out that it doesn't feel so nice to ACTUALLY hurt people. I think I will probably try not to do it again. I will, however, continue to daydream about killing Max Baucus, or at the very least making him sick and then denying him coverage.

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I have an interview with Independence Blue Cross on Monday at 3PM. They were one of the only insurance companies to come to Penn State that offered internships in Philadelphia, and I know that my family has Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance, so I figured I would go for an interview with them. The other options were like Cigna, Aetna, and United Health, which are more like death panels than insurance companies. I missed the deadline for Blue Cross because I'm a loser, but I e-mailed them to ask for an exception and they gave me one.

I found out after that happened that Blue Cross is only a health insurance company. I really don't want to work for them now because, as it turns out, I'm not actually so interested in rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Maybe I'll work for them and become CEO of the company and then shut it down to demonstrate the problems of private insurance.

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The source of the phrase "for whom the bell tolls" is actually crazy beautiful, especially for something that was written sometime around the year 1600:

"Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore I never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for me."

I changed it slightly, of course. But yeah, it's still wonderful.

Peace out.